Friday, October 12, 2012

Five Things: Driving

Due to my job, I spend a lot of time driving in and around New Orleans, in and out of parking lots and garages, and giving the bird and dropping the c bomb towards asinine drivers.  Below are five clues to tip you off before you even lay eyes on the driver or see his or her vehicle in action.

5. Crotch Rockets - I come from a family of motorcycle enthusiasts.  My grandfather, a retired police officer, prided himself on his Harley Davidson collection.  When I got older, I worked at a bar that was home to a well known bike gang.  Motorcycles are not foreign to me and I have the utmost respect for bikes on the road.  However, the respect is not returned by those who prefer the sporty vibrations of a crotch rocket between their legs.  Chalk it up to money, age, adrenaline - these guys and/or gals are more than likely going to drive like an asshole in and out of traffic regardless if it is a crowded downtown street or  late night on a major interstate.

4. More than one college support sticker on a vehicle - OK, we get it.  Your car is purple.  You got the Ford logo painted yellow, along with all the other accouterments.  Please, limit your LSU stickers/decals to one.  Make it the size of your entire back windshield if you like.  The minute the number exceeds one, you're a jerk and your driving IQ drops dramatically.  LSU is, of course, the most prevalent of the support stickers/decals in our area, but this applies across the board.  Exceptions: parking passes and two stickers supporting two different schools.

3. Missing/Broken side view mirror - More than likely, the mirror was lost for a reason.  One too many beers at the Saints game Sunday afternoon?  Slap your mirror against the mirror in oncoming traffic swinging wide to avoid a biker?  Unable to gauge your lane space on Washington Avenue?  Oh, was that the side of your garage?  You suck at driving.  That's the bottom line.  But wait - what about those who are simply victims of these bad drivers?  Unfortunately, they are a casualty of war - the minute someones loses the use of that mirror, his/her driving abilities are hindered and driving skills start swirling down the drain.

2. Mercedes - The minute a person drives off the lot with in a Mercedes, he/she is on top of world.  With the amount dropped on this new status symbol, the rules of the road no longer apply.  Stop lights?  Ha!  Changing lanes?  No blinker necessary - you have a Mercedes!  Everyone should adhere to the Mercedes in all aspects of driving.  And don't forget parking.  Every Mercedes is entitled to two, if not three parking spots in any given parking area. 

1. Car flags - Enough said.