Friday, October 12, 2012

Five Things: Driving

Due to my job, I spend a lot of time driving in and around New Orleans, in and out of parking lots and garages, and giving the bird and dropping the c bomb towards asinine drivers.  Below are five clues to tip you off before you even lay eyes on the driver or see his or her vehicle in action.

5. Crotch Rockets - I come from a family of motorcycle enthusiasts.  My grandfather, a retired police officer, prided himself on his Harley Davidson collection.  When I got older, I worked at a bar that was home to a well known bike gang.  Motorcycles are not foreign to me and I have the utmost respect for bikes on the road.  However, the respect is not returned by those who prefer the sporty vibrations of a crotch rocket between their legs.  Chalk it up to money, age, adrenaline - these guys and/or gals are more than likely going to drive like an asshole in and out of traffic regardless if it is a crowded downtown street or  late night on a major interstate.

4. More than one college support sticker on a vehicle - OK, we get it.  Your car is purple.  You got the Ford logo painted yellow, along with all the other accouterments.  Please, limit your LSU stickers/decals to one.  Make it the size of your entire back windshield if you like.  The minute the number exceeds one, you're a jerk and your driving IQ drops dramatically.  LSU is, of course, the most prevalent of the support stickers/decals in our area, but this applies across the board.  Exceptions: parking passes and two stickers supporting two different schools.

3. Missing/Broken side view mirror - More than likely, the mirror was lost for a reason.  One too many beers at the Saints game Sunday afternoon?  Slap your mirror against the mirror in oncoming traffic swinging wide to avoid a biker?  Unable to gauge your lane space on Washington Avenue?  Oh, was that the side of your garage?  You suck at driving.  That's the bottom line.  But wait - what about those who are simply victims of these bad drivers?  Unfortunately, they are a casualty of war - the minute someones loses the use of that mirror, his/her driving abilities are hindered and driving skills start swirling down the drain.

2. Mercedes - The minute a person drives off the lot with in a Mercedes, he/she is on top of world.  With the amount dropped on this new status symbol, the rules of the road no longer apply.  Stop lights?  Ha!  Changing lanes?  No blinker necessary - you have a Mercedes!  Everyone should adhere to the Mercedes in all aspects of driving.  And don't forget parking.  Every Mercedes is entitled to two, if not three parking spots in any given parking area. 

1. Car flags - Enough said.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

face palm

Who the hell told Justin Bieber he should make a perfume? Sephora, I am so disappointed in you...

SOMEDAY by JUSTIN BIEBER is more than just a perfume: it's a fragrance full of the energy, passion, and confidence that pushes him to the top of the charts. It is a personal gift straight from his heart, a scent that drives him wild and makes the girls who wear it totally irresistible. So go beyond the music and journey deep into a world of possibilities—into the world of Justin Bieber.

More at

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Reggie who?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed this...

Bush may be gone, but he is definitely not forgotten thanks to Pizza Hut. It seemed like every other commercial during Sunday's FOX's telecast was Bush promoting a pizza franchise that is no longer in southeast Louisiana.

I was like, wtf is Bush doing on a Pizza Hu---ohhhh, yeah. He's in Miami now.

How could I forget?


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hop on Pop?

I'm sorry Gambit, but so many things scream GAY about this picture that's a part of your Father's Day gift buying guide:

Not that I'm upset by this or anything, but even the caption...all I could do was giggle when I opened my e-mail.

Monday, May 16, 2011

In true New Orleans fashion...

You know I love to drink. In a house, with a mouse, yes I will have a beer Sam I Am.

However, for the friends of mine who are too concerned about the price for the New Orleans Wine & Food Experience Grand Tasting, I think I can convince them to drink and drive at Audi for a free pair of tickets!!

Join us for a Test Drive at New Orleans Audi and Receive Tickets to the New Orleans Wine & Food Experience!

Commander's Palace Executive Chef Tory McPhail will prepare tastings, while “The Food Show with Tom Fitzmorris” broadcasts live from the New Orleans Audi showroom.

Anyone who comes to the New Orleans Audi showroom and test drives an Audi will receive a pair of tickets to a NOWFE Grand Tasting.*

Thursday, May 19
3:00 – 6:00 PM

New Orleans Audi
3400 N. Causeway Blvd.
Metairie, LA 70002

For more information about New Orleans Audi or Test Drive for Tickets, contact Van Bohn at 504.838.8000 or

This is a legit e-mail I just received. Stay classy!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Not In My SDT

A few days ago, a friend came by my house for a visit. When I answered the door, she had a horrified look on her face and said...

"ALTR, some guy just put a bag of dog shit in your trashcan!"

No, it wasn't the Uptown Billy Madison playing a prank on me. It was apparently some guy, who was walking his dog and carrying poop bags, that had placed his dog's bag of poop in my trashcan, which sits in a nook in the hedges on the side of my building. My response to my friend was apathetic: " really doesn't bother me. I'd rather have shit bags in my trash can than have dog shit on the grass, where I'll definitely step on it when I'm getting into my car."

My response to my concerned friend was what I have often thought when I've observed (and smelled) bags of dog shit in the SDT can whenever I throw in a garbage bag or haul the can out to the curb on trash days. But, honestly, there are some days where I'm especially frustrated or angry at the world, and it really does piss me off that people can't carry those shit bags home to their own garbage cans. It's not my fault that they chose to walk their dog far away from their own house. Moreover, I pay for my trash collection - stop adding more shit (literally!) to the can that is already overflowing with my discarded pizza boxes and wine bottles (and wine boxes).

For a non-dog owner with street parking in a dog-infested city like New Orleans, is it better to have shit in a bag at the bottom of your trashcan than shit stuck to your favorite high heels when you're running late to class or work?

Probably so.

But that doesn't mean that it's not super-annoying to witness my neighbor drop Fideaux's latest deuce in my trashcan when I know perfectly well that he has an equal-sized SDT can only 2 houses down the street. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)

New Orleans City Code Sec. 18-13 provides for a fine of at least $100 and 21 hours of trash cleanup for owners of animals who "soil" public or private property. And, like the City Code drafters, I think we all agree that shit on the ground is totally unacceptable. Around Uptown, I've noticed several houses with milk cartons containing grocery bags nailed to trees, encouraging dog walkers to help themselves to a bag should one be needed. These creations are no doubt the brainchild of some homeowners who just want that shit off the ground. But what do these milk carton-bag holder creators think about shit bags in their SDT cans? Does having a plethora of bags also imply "feel free to use my SDT can to dispose of your shit bag"?

Perhaps I could put a sign under the lid of my SDT can that says "I don't put shit in your can, don't put shit in mine." But I feel pretty certain that such a sign would actually encourage the offenders to let their dogs take a massive dump right by my door.

There are various message board threads on this topic that I found doing a Google search, but I wonder what the New Orleans take on the issue might me. If anyone else has some thoughts on this - what's proper and what's not, I'd love to hear some input. Perhaps our blog has a future as the Emily Post-style resource for dog poop etiquette in New Orleans.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

"The BP executives were injured but survived...Nine rig crew on the rig floor and two engineers died."

The BP executives were injured but survived, according to one account. Nine rig crew on the rig floor and two engineers died. - Favorite quote from this interesting article.

Friday, April 23, 2010

So long, DIxie

Earlier this week, I was saddened to hear that the Kappa Alpha Order (KA) had officially banned Old South events. While KA nationals never actually prescribed or recommended the practice to the fraternity's chapters, it has become a popular tradition in campuses all across the country, including several of the universities in Louisiana.

It just goes to show how - as with so many traditions - the misbehavior of some can ruin something for everyone. During my days at Tulane, Old South was one of the few civilized and well-executed fraternity events on campus. I am sure the fraternity will find other ways to celebrate it's heritage and honor its spiritual leader, General Robert E. Lee. But I will always be a sucker for a man in a gray uniform.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Louisiana hates drugs

Via The Dead Pelican - Louisiana hates the reefer.

In a related story, ALTL will be moving out of the state.