Five Things: Driving

Due to my job, I spend a lot of time driving in and around New Orleans, in and out of parking lots and garages, and giving the bird and dropping the c bomb towards asinine drivers.  Below are five clues to tip you off before you even lay eyes on the driver or see his or her vehicle in action.

5. Crotch Rockets - I come from a family of motorcycle enthusiasts.  My grandfather, a retired police officer, prided himself on his Harley Davidson collection.  When I got older, I worked at a bar that was home to a well known bike gang.  Motorcycles are not foreign to me and I have the utmost respect for bikes on the road.  However, the respect is not returned by those who prefer the sporty vibrations of a crotch rocket between their legs.  Chalk it up to money, age, adrenaline - these guys and/or gals are more than likely going to drive like an asshole in and out of traffic regardless if it is a crowded downtown street or  late night on a major interstate.

4. More than one college support sticker on a vehicle - OK, we get it.  Your car is purple.  You got the Ford logo painted yellow, along with all the other accouterments.  Please, limit your LSU stickers/decals to one.  Make it the size of your entire back windshield if you like.  The minute the number exceeds one, you're a jerk and your driving IQ drops dramatically.  LSU is, of course, the most prevalent of the support stickers/decals in our area, but this applies across the board.  Exceptions: parking passes and two stickers supporting two different schools.

3. Missing/Broken side view mirror - More than likely, the mirror was lost for a reason.  One too many beers at the Saints game Sunday afternoon?  Slap your mirror against the mirror in oncoming traffic swinging wide to avoid a biker?  Unable to gauge your lane space on Washington Avenue?  Oh, was that the side of your garage?  You suck at driving.  That's the bottom line.  But wait - what about those who are simply victims of these bad drivers?  Unfortunately, they are a casualty of war - the minute someones loses the use of that mirror, his/her driving abilities are hindered and driving skills start swirling down the drain.

2. Mercedes - The minute a person drives off the lot with in a Mercedes, he/she is on top of world.  With the amount dropped on this new status symbol, the rules of the road no longer apply.  Stop lights?  Ha!  Changing lanes?  No blinker necessary - you have a Mercedes!  Everyone should adhere to the Mercedes in all aspects of driving.  And don't forget parking.  Every Mercedes is entitled to two, if not three parking spots in any given parking area. 

1. Car flags - Enough said.

U MAD BRO?

Sorry for the delay.  Here's to you, Jason Cantrell!

New Orleans assistant city attorney cited for marijuana violation, butterfingers

Prosecutor Drops Joint in Court, in Front of Cops; Promptly Curses the Day He Was Born

face palm

Who the hell told Justin Bieber he should make a perfume? Sephora, I am so disappointed in you...

SOMEDAY by JUSTIN BIEBER is more than just a perfume: it's a fragrance full of the energy, passion, and confidence that pushes him to the top of the charts. It is a personal gift straight from his heart, a scent that drives him wild and makes the girls who wear it totally irresistible. So go beyond the music and journey deep into a world of possibilities—into the world of Justin Bieber.

More at sephora.com

Reggie who?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed this...

Bush may be gone, but he is definitely not forgotten thanks to Pizza Hut. It seemed like every other commercial during Sunday's FOX's telecast was Bush promoting a pizza franchise that is no longer in southeast Louisiana.

I was like, wtf is Bush doing on a Pizza Hu---ohhhh, yeah. He's in Miami now.

How could I forget?

From dailycomet.com.

Hop on Pop?

I'm sorry Gambit, but so many things scream GAY about this picture that's a part of your Father's Day gift buying guide:

Not that I'm upset by this or anything, but even the caption...all I could do was giggle when I opened my e-mail.

In true New Orleans fashion...

You know I love to drink. In a house, with a mouse, yes I will have a beer Sam I Am.

However, for the friends of mine who are too concerned about the price for the New Orleans Wine & Food Experience Grand Tasting, I think I can convince them to drink and drive at Audi for a free pair of tickets!!

Join us for a Test Drive at New Orleans Audi and Receive Tickets to the New Orleans Wine & Food Experience!

WHO:
Commander's Palace Executive Chef Tory McPhail will prepare tastings, while “The Food Show with Tom Fitzmorris” broadcasts live from the New Orleans Audi showroom.

WHAT:
Anyone who comes to the New Orleans Audi showroom and test drives an Audi will receive a pair of tickets to a NOWFE Grand Tasting.*

WHEN:
Thursday, May 19
3:00 – 6:00 PM

WHERE:
New Orleans Audi
3400 N. Causeway Blvd.
Metairie, LA 70002


For more information about New Orleans Audi or Test Drive for Tickets, contact Van Bohn at 504.838.8000 or vbohn@bohnbros.com.

This is a legit e-mail I just received. Stay classy!

Not In My SDT

A few days ago, a friend came by my house for a visit. When I answered the door, she had a horrified look on her face and said...

"ALTR, some guy just put a bag of dog shit in your trashcan!"

No, it wasn't the Uptown Billy Madison playing a prank on me. It was apparently some guy, who was walking his dog and carrying poop bags, that had placed his dog's bag of poop in my trashcan, which sits in a nook in the hedges on the side of my building. My response to my friend was apathetic: "Meh...it really doesn't bother me. I'd rather have shit bags in my trash can than have dog shit on the grass, where I'll definitely step on it when I'm getting into my car."

My response to my concerned friend was what I have often thought when I've observed (and smelled) bags of dog shit in the SDT can whenever I throw in a garbage bag or haul the can out to the curb on trash days. But, honestly, there are some days where I'm especially frustrated or angry at the world, and it really does piss me off that people can't carry those shit bags home to their own garbage cans. It's not my fault that they chose to walk their dog far away from their own house. Moreover, I pay for my trash collection - stop adding more shit (literally!) to the can that is already overflowing with my discarded pizza boxes and wine bottles (and wine boxes).

For a non-dog owner with street parking in a dog-infested city like New Orleans, is it better to have shit in a bag at the bottom of your trashcan than shit stuck to your favorite high heels when you're running late to class or work?

Probably so.

But that doesn't mean that it's not super-annoying to witness my neighbor drop Fideaux's latest deuce in my trashcan when I know perfectly well that he has an equal-sized SDT can only 2 houses down the street. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)

New Orleans City Code Sec. 18-13 provides for a fine of at least $100 and 21 hours of trash cleanup for owners of animals who "soil" public or private property. And, like the City Code drafters, I think we all agree that shit on the ground is totally unacceptable. Around Uptown, I've noticed several houses with milk cartons containing grocery bags nailed to trees, encouraging dog walkers to help themselves to a bag should one be needed. These creations are no doubt the brainchild of some homeowners who just want that shit off the ground. But what do these milk carton-bag holder creators think about shit bags in their SDT cans? Does having a plethora of bags also imply "feel free to use my SDT can to dispose of your shit bag"?

Perhaps I could put a sign under the lid of my SDT can that says "I don't put shit in your can, don't put shit in mine." But I feel pretty certain that such a sign would actually encourage the offenders to let their dogs take a massive dump right by my door.

There are various message board threads on this topic that I found doing a Google search, but I wonder what the New Orleans take on the issue might me. If anyone else has some thoughts on this - what's proper and what's not, I'd love to hear some input. Perhaps our blog has a future as the Emily Post-style resource for dog poop etiquette in New Orleans.

"The BP executives were injured but survived...Nine rig crew on the rig floor and two engineers died."

The BP executives were injured but survived, according to one account. Nine rig crew on the rig floor and two engineers died. - Favorite quote from this interesting article.

Bubble of methane triggered rig blast.

So long, DIxie

Earlier this week, I was saddened to hear that the Kappa Alpha Order (KA) had officially banned Old South events. While KA nationals never actually prescribed or recommended the practice to the fraternity's chapters, it has become a popular tradition in campuses all across the country, including several of the universities in Louisiana.

It just goes to show how - as with so many traditions - the misbehavior of some can ruin something for everyone. During my days at Tulane, Old South was one of the few civilized and well-executed fraternity events on campus. I am sure the fraternity will find other ways to celebrate it's heritage and honor its spiritual leader, General Robert E. Lee. But I will always be a sucker for a man in a gray uniform.

Louisiana hates drugs

Via The Dead Pelican - Louisiana hates the reefer.

In a related story, ALTL will be moving out of the state.

Going Rogue, eh?

Yes, Urban Dictionary has some recently added definitions for this term, but before Sarah Palin decided to "go rogue", there was this defintion: A male that allows a transexual man fuck him hard in the ass, yet still claims to be straight.

Thanks, someecards!!

Blame it on the swine flu

Several Tulane football players have come down with swine flu like symptoms.

Let the jokes ensue.

Distractions

Thanks, ALTL! I feel immediately energized just watching that video. Who knew Mandy Moore looked so good in a Laura Bush suit? She looks great!

I have rough 3 years ahead of me, but hopefully the pursuit of procrastination will give me more opportunities to blog!

And now I don't have that annoying job thing to get in the way of my Head Pelican time. Also - no more men for the next 3 years - no more distractions! I am now married to law school and the Head Pelican.

Give your vagina wings!

I bought ALTR a case of this to celebrate her starting law school.

Red Bull Energy Douche with Mandy Moore from Mandy Moore

Buy me a drink!

Depending on what circles you run in, you may or may not have heard about the free T Pain show on Tuesday night at the House of Blues.

After waiting in line for, oh, 1.5 hours, we finally made it into the gates of House of Blues, only to be a couple people late to get into the capacity filled HoB. While the security hassled the skanky and obnoxious feather-earringed girl and her crew, my roommate and I watched the show on the tv from the comfort of the bar. Not wanting to lose our prime seating, my roommate filled not one, but two cups with urine, the last one sprinkling slightly on my leg. In my tequila-drunk disbelief I start smacking his arm and yelling at him for pissing on me when the girl next to me realized that she got hit too - despite his protests that there must be a leak in the ceiling! At that moment, three people emerged from the over heated crowd, the new security guy looked right at me, and I grabbed Peaches from the clutches of the hysteric girl and we made it into the show.

All in all an eclectic crowd and actually a pretty good show. But get this - after the last song was played, the crowd pretty much RAN out of the HoB. No encore. I encouraged Peaches to get a set list, and when I turned around from bumming a cigarette off of a stranger, I see him with this plastered on his chest:



HE DIDN'T PLAY ON A MOTHERFUCKIN' BOAT! Thanks shitty New Orleans crowd!!

Sick.

I tell my mother everything.

So when I was rehashing the events of past few weeks with a certain gentleman caller, I explained that we didn't go "all the way" because of some....errr, physical difficulties he had below the belt that I attributed to drinking.

Then she suggested that perhaps the problem wasn't excessive drinking, but that he was on high blood pressure medicine. "That's a pretty common side effect of those kinds of drugs," she said.

Later I thought about what she said. And then I remembered, my father has high blood pressure. Controlled well by medication.

Gross.

Where am I?

While zoning out on the drive to work this morning, I suddenly became a little lost at the corner of Melpomene and St. Charles until I realized that St. Charles Tavern had simply received a face lift of sorts:



Don't worry, the fabulous print on the downtown side describing the awesomeness of the tavern is still in tact and faded as ever!

Fuck that Jaegermesiter bullshit

The beer industry contributes $2.58 billion a year to the Louisiana economy, according to a study commissioned by national industry groups.

Just another reason that beer makes me fired up!!!

Well, and that the NOLA Brewery is right in my backyard. What a fun little shin dig last Thursday!!

Note to self: delete all Match.com emails from my Blackberry in the future

Today a group of my coworkers suckered me in to a last-minute project which required a group of us to go to another downtown office building for about 15 minutes or so. Another coworker, Mike, was selected dropped us off. Mike somehow acts like he's superior to me socially, intellectually, and professionally (none of which are the case - case in point: he was chosen to drive; they begged me to go to this meeting).

When dropping us off we said "Okay Mike, just drive around to avoid the meter maids for a few minutes, and we'll call you when we're done."

Mike: "Dangit, I forgot my cell phone. Here ALTR, just let me borrow your phone and call your number from someone else's phone when you all get out."

I agreed and handed over my phone.

Flash forward 10 minutes, I'm in the middle of a serious moment of the meeting with our customer , and all of a sudden it hit me......OH HOLY CRAP!!! A few weeks ago, I signed up for the trial (FREE) portion of Match.com. And they bombard me with emails every day. And I get my emails....ON MY PHONE! And he was just dying to borrow MY phone - not the phones of any of the other 4 people in the car with us. That piece of sh*t!

I'm sure he went through my messages and emails. I probably would have if I'd been in his situation. In addition to emails from Match.com, Subject Line "He Winked At You!", Mike also probably enjoyed a series of desperate-girl booty call text messages from the blackout zone, a back-and-forth banter with a gay friend about drag queen wigs and poppers, and text messages to ALTL asking her to bring me a platter of cocktail sandwiches and a daiquiri at The Fly.

I guess if I had nothing to hide, I wouldn't have to worry about this. And, there's always a chance that he didn't go through my emails and won't spread their contents around the office. Yeah right!

Oh well, live and learn.

rain, rain, go away

Tonight's Tulane/LSU game has been "rained out."

Deciding it's better to be safe than sorry, Tulane officials postponed tonight's baseball game against LSU because of the threat of severe thunderstorms around game time. - nola.com

Lame. We blame LSU.