"Let me see. Let me feel."

jezebel.com brings us this phenomenal clip from The Alexyss Tylor show.

I'll forewarn you, this may NSFW based upon language and a dildo (which, remember, are illegal in Alamaba...technically, dangerblond reminds us).



I like how she is concerned with happening upon a penis that is too big. And that the dildo in hand 6.5 inches. And black. I've never seen a 6.5" black dick in my life.

Luckily Ms. Tylor exposed what is really going on outside the corner store by my house:

"And the man still ain't committed. Dick still damn open for - folks, standing on the damn corner just like you got them damn ??? can you put a penny in the cup. I work for food or can you give me a donation? Niggas stand on the corner with dey dick in dey hand or got it out the damn pants trying to give new recruits a piece of damn dick cause a lot of times they can't get no dick aaand no bubble gum cause they be fresh out of spearmint and they have juicy fruit. But they keep plenty of damn dick and keep the nuts fueled up and keep them filled up with high octane. They gettin' it up."

It's all about pussy integrity, ladies. Find a dick that likes you.

I guess that's hand-in-hand with bush confidence, which I first learned about watching The L Word. Where I also learned that my self confidence has largely to do with the perfectness of my nipples.

Maes

While doing some essential myspacing the other day, I happened across this humorous, yet sad look at the reality that is Ms. Mae's:



What hooligans would ever set that favorite haunt on fire?

Interesingly enough, the initial news came from my friend who now lives in Boston. What the hell, dude? I guess at 4 in the morning I am stuck paying for over-priced drinks at The Saint, Igor's, or Snakes.

Check out the The Club's blog. [h/t Dr. Morris]

Council-at-Large forum

Yours truly attended the Council at Large forum last Thursday. It seems that most everyone has some sort of commentary on a candidate or candidates. While I think my comments will be worth little note, there are a couple of important things I think were missed:

• Kaare Johnson's biggest contribution to the community: Well just the other day outside of his home on Julia Street a van flipped over and he helped pull the driver from the wreckage as everyone else just watched!
  
• Cynthia Willard-Lewis never looked at the crowd. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling of Nunamker Auditorium during every one of her responses.
  
• Lee Zurik's eyebrows aren't nearly the presence in person as they are on TV. I guess it's that whole the-camera-adds-ten-pounds thing.
  
• Tommie Vassel slept with the entire Sewage and Water Board! And then proceeded to help them de-water the city in under the allotted time projected! Was it his super sperm? We will never know.
  
• Unfortunately, the Appleton I've been sipping is making it difficult for me to locate the article Mama D mentioned about 376 times about herself. Anyone got it?

That's all I got for now. I'm such a cynic, I have a hard time paying attention to the real answers. I'm interested to know a little more about generic Tommy Lewis other than his lineage and family gossip. And I like Virginia Boulet. All four of her ex-husbands and all.

As an aside, why is it that just about anyone or anything is allowed to have a blog but neglect it to the nth degree? Myself may or may not be included. Talk about appeal.

If you missed the first one, the G Bitch Spot has a list of upcoming forums on October 11 and 16 with our favorite gaggle of folks vying for the Council-at-Large seat.

Masterpiece on Causeway Boulevard

While driving to a pre-work dermatologist's appointment this morning, I took the Causeway exit off of the Interstate to get onto Vets. In passing the John Georges for governor campaign headquarters, I glanced at the large billboard crowning the one-story building to see that someone had spray-painted the sign. Damn Metairie thugs.

Upon closer inspection, I realized that this was no ordinary spray-paint job. The culprit had in fact spray painted a Hitler moustache on the picture of Georges which adorned the sign. Due to almost peeing my pants over the sign, ALTR almost had a wreck before making it safely to the doctor's office.

Originally I planned to meet ALTL after work for a Georges-Hitler photo session, but a phone call around 3 pm to the Team Georges headquarters informed me that the sign had been replaced earlier that afternoon. The Head Pelican Girls should make it a priority to always have a camera on-hand for sightings like this one. When I called the Goerges headquarters, a young volunteer informed me that the incident had happened at some point over the weekend and that Team Georges decided the perpetraitor had some serious balls - she had no idea who the culprit had been. Damn - I really wanted her to tell me that Bobby Jindal had done it. Since I wasn't able to capture the true-life glory of this grafitti work, I have recreated it for you here:



For other John Georges humor, please reference the LA GOP's gem Georges Gone Wild - shirtless & shameless!

lawyers are people, too...right?

Why is that when I attended the Justice For All Ball, I don't run into any attorneys that I know other than the ones I work for (although I did meet many of infamy, be it their own standing or based upon who they are married to), but when I am out on the town I run into them everywhere? Howlin' Wolf, Half Moon, Pat Benatar at the HoB, Parasol's, and other various places I stumble into on the weekends and week nights. Maybe it just says something about the character of ALTL or of the caliber of attorneys I deal with on a day-to-day basis.

While I am a little known member of the legal community (albeit more well known than your typical paralegal or legal assistant), I had fun at the Justice For All Ball. I was able to catch up on my New Orleans society gossip (basically who has impregnated who, who has dumped who, and who the old man is with the bad teeth), take advantage of an open bar, and meet the wives of the old white men I work for. If only the lawyers in my age bracket weren't attached at the hip to ladies much younger, hotter, and more pregnant than I.

On another note, Chef Dominique is such a society whore.

The stuff of hookers

Last night, during ALTL's below-mentioned outing at which she was scolded for drinking on antibiotics, the Head Pelican Girls attended the Foo Fighters show at the House of Blues. For the evening's outing, I chose to wear a frayed denim skirt with a teal colored sequined tank similar to this one (click the picture to be linked to thisnext.com, my favorite new site!) This style of tank, which I also own in white and black, is what I wear with jeans or skirts when I don't know what else to wear. These tanks are my all-appropriate New Orleans going out fallback.

En route to the venue from our sweet parking spot at Orleans and Bourbon, we walked past a random strip club where two "ladies" were sitting out front on bar stools, stripper platforms, hot pants, and all appropriate stripper gear included. As we strolled by, minding our own business, one of the ladies calls out "Hey, I have that shirt!" The HP Girls spin around, startled, to find that the lady was referring to me, ALTR. Yes, the conservative one.

I knew it would be beyond rude to simply ignore the comment or to act as if I wanted nothing to do with a woman of such a profession. Recalling politeness tips in the manner of my grandmother who always knows what to say and when to say it, I quickly replied "Oh, don't you just love it?! I have it in black and white too!" The "lady" replies "Yeah, I have it in gold. I wear it all the time." Sounds like someone I know!

What is a single conservative female to do when a lady of the night claims to own/love your favorite shirt? I guess I'll just have to accept that I encountered a stripper with taste as good as mine. And maybe I'll go shopping this weekend.

GAH

You know, the worst part about having a contagious illness isn't that I'm confined to my room. Or that I'm banned from work. Or that no one wants to hang out with me. Or that ALTR lectures me when she finds out I'm drinking. Or that I have to spend money on drugs and doctors.

It's that I'm not getting laid. Fuck.

As an aside, it must really suck to live in Alabama: "...they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand."

Senate District 5 update

The Senate District 5 race is shaping up to be a good one. You don't have the drama of the District 6 race that ALTR loves ohsomuch, but it'll be a close race nonetheless.

Previously I had mysteriously alluded to a lawsuit involving one of our state reps. At the time I didn't know the nature of the suit, but came to find out that Cheryl Gray's residency in the 5th District was being challenged (Gray area, anyone? ha!). The suit was subsequently withdrawn and everyone goes about their happy lives, though everyone knows it was the Jefferson crew who was behind it.

Some Came Running reminded me that there is a forum coming up October 9 featuring the 5th District Senate candidates. His/her source lists the five (Dixon, Jefferson, Gray, Williams and Gressett), but the Neighbors United site fails to mention Gressett as confirmed. Rumor has it he dropped out. Ol' boy didn't even last a month, but we knew he was only there to detract from others.

I've seen more and more Jalila Jefferson-Bullock signs popping up around my 'hood. Interestingly enough, as soon as they appear, they are gone. Are the signs simply being posted in people's yards without their consent? Are people stealing them? If thievery is the gig, then are they being stolen because someone else wants the sign for their own yard or because they are anti-Jefferson? Of the three signs on my block that appeared over night, the one that remains is in front of the most ghetto house of all. It's also on a tiny patch of dirt that no one can see because of the on-street parking.

For fun, see also: African-American turnout will be the Wildcard of 2007

HRC is a real ball breaker!

  

  You know, I always joked that my 

  vagina had teeth, but the  

  description on this sucker was just 

  too much.

  This nutcracker is functional   with stainless steel teeth   secured inside upper legs to grip   and crack nuts in their shell.

  BWAHAHAHA!

Joe Francis in court again!

Up next on the docket for Joe Francis is a lawsuit from two girls alleging that the Girls Gone Wild folks coerced them into exposing themselves, performing sexual acts on one another, and not "really" giving their consent (the girls say they did not give consent, but any consent GGW may have was coerced under the influence of alcohol - you know, the omg-i-was-sofaking-drunk excuse).

Don't get me wrong, I am no Joe Francis supporter. But here you can clearly see these girls giving their full names and their consent for the footage to be used by GGW. HOWEVER...if you can't really consent to sex when under the influence of a mind altering substance, how can you consent to someone using you or your likeness?

Further, as can be read in the lawsuit, GGW assured the girls at a later date that their footage would not be used, yet proceeded to not only put it in a video, but also the trailers on the prequel. And you can't deny they got those girls drunk. Well, maybe, because somebody certainly did and judging by the video on the site, I doubt they were short any drinks from any willing young men.

I hate that girls do this. I really do. But I also hate Joe Francis and the whole GGW machine. What.the.fuck. Society never ceases to amaze me. According to his website he is currently in custody for something or another, perhaps exploiting under age girls. The whole "she told me she was 18" thing is sort of lame. In a business like that, you should really ask for ID. Regardless, he is a cry baby, offers bribes, and is a complete and total sleaze. Gross.

However, I did giggle at this.