Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Imagine eavesdropping on that conversation...

While doing some YouTube surfing, I came across this gem of a video, clips of David Vitter speaches to the tune of and cut with Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy?" It also included choice quotes and information.

Interestingly, one of banners declared:

Atleast five phone calls were made between the DC Madam and David Vitter during his time in Congress. Two of those calls were made during votes of the United States House of Representatives.

How does one do this? Sitting out on the floor, folks in the Gallery watching you. waiting to vote yay or nay, or having already voted and just waiting for some colleagues - just step out, punch in the numbers memorized by heart and greeting the person on the other line "Hey, it's Diaper Dave, what's the special tonight?" I mean, this guy would have been sweating and running up multiple calls had he been in the House during the marathon CAFTA vote.

My inner freak intrigued, I did a little further investigating to find out "DC Madam" Called Vitter During Votes. No, Vitty-cent as the local bloggers haved dubbed him, is not into the, ah, more public aspects of sex. But...

Telephone records released by Deborah Jeane Palfrey indicate she placed calls that were answered by Vitter's Washington phone on five occasions while Vitter was in the House, from 1999 through 2001. On four of those five days, the House was in session and Vitter participated in every roll call vote.

One day was particularly busy in the House, with Vitter's phone receiving Palfrey's call in the middle of the eighth recorded vote of the day, at 5:06 p.m., according to the records.

The records do not indicate whether Vitter himself took the calls or if another person, an answering machine or another answering device picked up the calls

He might answer. And apparently hookers aren't just dumb hos, but they have no concept of time. Does she honestly think his job as a member of the United States Congress ended at 5 PM?

Dejected, ALTL waits to hear something more exciting about Senator Vitter's alternate adventures with prostitutes.

Foster Campbell could work for my boss...

Please don't think for a second this post comes from being politically naive - naive I am not. I realize there's a consultant behind the scenes getting paid in a day more than I make in a week to tell Foster Campbell to do this...

...but I can't help but find the most recent Foster Campbell supporter newsletter quite funny. I find it extremely amusing to know that just like ALTR has to CC her boss on everything she sends out for him, Foster Campbell does the same for his boss - the citizens of Louisiana.

Among other useless knowledge to be learned from gubernatorial candidates' MySpace pages...

...John Georges speaks English, Spanish, and Greek. I know what you're thinking - Old Metairie snob? But keep in mind, our current governor basically speaks Greek without even trying; John Georges is at least smart enough to acknowledge the difference.

...Bobby Jindal enjoys a good hang with his Friends. I wonder who his favorite Friend is. Joey? No, he's too dumb. Rachel? No, too easy. Monica? No, she used to be fat. Phoebe? No, she's a hippie. Ross? No, too gay. Chandler?

Walter Boasso and Foster Campbell don't seem to have MySpace pages - or if they do, I am not able to find them. Given that I'm writing this post from home, it would seem that ALTR's MySpace-stalking skills work better between 8 and 5.

Monday, July 30, 2007


The District 5 Senate race is starting to get a little more interesting as two more folks have thrown their hat into the ring. The Jalila Jefferson position will definitely be interesting seeing how all the stuff has been coming down on the Jefferson clan lately.

Interesting, however...

Gray and Dixon join two other Senate hopefuls who have been campaigning for weeks: state Rep. Jalila Jefferson-Bullock and former appeals court judge David Williams. All are Democrats except Williams, a Republican.

C'mon, they're all Dems at this stage of the game...

From Saturday's T-P -- Familiar Faces Join Senate Race

Sunday, July 29, 2007

ah, the joy of poking fun at politicians..

especially when prostitutes and diapers are involved...

hat tip People Get Ready

Umm...do your frat brothers know you're doing that?

Some might say that ALTR is too old to go to that Uptown late-night hot spot F&M's. Nevertheless, I ended up at the home of the Crescent City's most famous pool table on Friday night with some college friends who were in town for the weekend. As a Tulane undergrad I cannot recall many of my nights out, but would always know I had fun when I would wake up on the next afternoon with an empty cardboard cheese fry holder on my bedside table. That is, if I actually made it home.

As usual on a weekend at F&M's, there had apparently been some big Sweet 16 party that night - the place was overrun with high school boys, some still with braces, and high school girls in Forever 21's finest drinking the best drinks their fake IDs can buy. However, I noticed that instead of the usual Mount Carmel girl grinding on Jesuit boy action that pervades the bar on a summer night, there was something very different about the grinding action I was seeing. In the upstairs part of the bar, two boys (estimated age: just finished their freshman years at Ole Miss) were seen dancing with each other. It seemed kind of odd, but hey - it was a great song that was playing, so kudos to them for not letting the moment pass them by. One of my friends turned to me and said "they seriously need a girl in between them." I think that was supposed to be a cue for me to get out there to make an ALTR-Sigma Nu sandwich, but I didn't budge from my spot at the bar. Instead, I kept watching as my deep-down fratty guy-on-fratty guy fantasy came true before my eyes only to see a Tulane sorority girl (a young one, not the aged variety like ALTR) get in on the action.

But it only got better as the night went on. Back downstairs, as ALTR and her friends were leaving around 4 am, we saw the crowning spectacle of the evening. Two fratty boys were seen with each other in a sort of head lock, yet still grinding to the rap song that was playing. The music got more intense and they got even more into it. I stood next to the cigarette machine with my friends, mouths agape, to watch as the grinding turned into Fratty Boy A pulling the Polo shirt of Fratty Boy B up over his head. It was definitely a sign that it was time to go home.

"This place should be called The Pub Too! What has F&M's come to since I've been gone?" said one of my friends. "Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the term 'double-popped'."

ALTR, a proud and self-proclaimed hag, couldn't agree more with this observation. And, with regard to my revelation of fratty boy fantasies stated above, I must say that F&M's is my new favorite gay bar.

The T-P has done our work for us again.

Is leopard print the new black?

Between the Vitter scandal, Jefferson's soy burgers, and now this bit on Julie Quinn's baby mama drama - the Times-Picayune is ALTR's new favorite tabloid. Articles like this certainly make my job easier! This piece has it all - sex, drugs, alcohol, and, of course, politics. Unfortunately there are lots of children involved in this mix. But this article was certainly a great way to start off this lazy sunday.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Not only is he a crook, he hates beef.

Bill Jefferson likes soy burgers, who knew?! For ATLR, a hamburger connoisseur, this news is even more disappointing than the revelations of the New Orleans congressman's criminal tendencies.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

really big...



I mean, who gives head with a condom on??

Some great commentary over at Jezebel.

someone to see you...

I would totally be the jokester Congressperson, especially when it comes to sex -- MoJo.

Of course, I would probably die of laughter before they even read the note.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Your Right Hand Thief brings to our attention the startling resemblence of the Wendy's in Senator Vitter's life. However, it was this comparison that has been constantly plaguing me...

However, I think CJ would be dying of laughter at the thought of her significant other in diapers for sexual gratification. And she would never be caught dead in such a god-awful dress.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Prostitution? That's illegal, right?

One thing noticibly absent from The Head Pelican is commentary on the Vitter scandal. We don't have any good excuses for this oversight, like that ALTR might have a VIP job in Vitter's constituent office, and therefore is not inclined to comment. No, I'm not that important. ALTL and ALTR simply are new to this blog thing - the Vitter scandal "broke" when ALTR was in the middle of a busy work week. Or a serious bender. But, whatever the reason, I promise to be more on top of my game.

Nevertheless, ALTR reserved the right to make random comments on the scandal, such as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's comments on the accusations shortly after they came out, stopping short of calling for an ethics investigation of the senator. According to this article on nola.com, Sen. Reid, a lawyer, needs a refresher course in what's illegal. Like prositution.

"There are a lot of accusations about...prostitutes in Louisiana. I don't know if that's breaking the law or not." - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.)

Maybe that's why we're having trouble getting money from the feds down here - they still think we condone prostitution.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Hooray freedom

hat tip At The Parade

Even John Q. Public can hire the guy who has a bachelors degree in kicking ass and taking names.

ALTR came across an interesting article on thehill.com while taking a break from drafting pleadings for her boss to sign. This article observes that the average citizen can take pluralism into their own hands by retaining a hired gun for whatever cause their hearts desire. Kind of makes you think - if you had a few thousand to spend on K Street, what cause would you choose? ALTR would try to get an earmark in the appropriations bill to pay off her Neiman's bill.

If only Elle Woods had read this article before moving to Washington DC to advance animal rights in Legally Blonde 2, she could have saved herself some serious time. You know that chick certainly had the cash to spend on K Street.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Welfare for shoe lovers

Whoever said Republicans don't believe in helping out their fellow citizens never met ALTR. Yours truly spent over an hour today shopping at Feet First located at 4119 Magazine (between Napoleon and Louisiana) where the store's 30th anniversary sale is going down: 30% off everything in the store, including sale items. For an unbelieveably low but undisclosed amount (I'm a Republican, we love discretion) ALTR left with 2 beautiful new purses, a new wallet, and, of course, a banging new pair of strappy kate spade heels. I will be found this evening at various Uptown bars sporting these new items.

So, to all you women out there, consider this a bit of shoe welfare: get to Feet First ASAP. Enjoy complimentary finger food and wine while you shop this special weekend. This is one piece of welfare this Republican wouldn't mind becoming dependent upon. But please, don't blame me when your AmEx bill comes in.

Friday, July 20, 2007

even though we haven't touched the Vitter situation yet...

From YatPundit

ALTL gives two thumbs up

The new Absolut New Orleans was announced in conjunction with Tales of the Cocktail.

After enjoying a fantastic dinner this evening at such an event, ALTL was able to sample the new vodka. Two thumbs way up! A strong, citrusy scent, yet the mango taste is not overwhelming. The black pepper then kicks in and you're not stuck with the vodka after taste.

Bartender, I'd like an Absolut New Orleans on the rocks! Does that make me a cliche?

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Ray Ray isn't running for governor. He's going to endorse Jindal for governor who in return will endorse Nagin for Congressman Jefferson's seat.

What the...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Blakely vs. Nagin: Stupid Quote Smackdown

open 24 hours

Best bar in New Orleans to meet someone you're cheating on your spouse with:

Brother's Three

Located on Magazine next to La Boulangerie.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Politicking on the rocks

It's 9:30 and we're going down. Slumped into the corner of the elevator, A Little to the Right eyes A Little to the Left and says "The communist takes the vodka and the republican takes the whiskey." An unexpected benefit of being some of the younger, more fun-loving attendees of a swank political function apparently means the candidate's staff and family give you the left over booze to take home with you. ALTL and ALTR have enough liquor to make their, respectively, Coke-and-whiskeys and Vodka-and-tonics for the rest of the week.

We could talk about booze all day, but let's talk about rocks. Damn. It was like the three-carat convention. Like, the kind that ALTR looks at on the Tiffany's website all day at work, drooling and imagining a younger member of the Bush family slipping one such ring on her finger at some romantic chapel in the Texas Hill Country. Our eyes were starting to burn there was so much bling in the room. What does it take? Insanity? Alcoholism? Lack of tact? These broads had it all. Yet, ALTR and ALTL have no rings. And no bling.

Then ALTR eyed a very young man sporting seersucker and sucking on a Bud Light like it was a nipple. "I like your tie" she says. "It's from Perlis" he responded, as his voice cracked in his attempt to woo her.

Whoever said Mrs. Robinson wasn't a Republican? Needless to say, ATLR woke up the next morning saying to the man in bed next to her "you had me at 'It's from Perlis.'"

Beware: abortions cause drug use and alcoholism!

Without fail this conservative administration keeps trying to shove its ideology down others' throats without any scientific basis

Think Progress reports that a government website 4parents.gov has changed the literature from some women feeling relieved or happy after an abortion to increasing their drug and alcohol use after an abortion. Obviously there is no right or wrong way for a woman to feel after an abortion, nor is there a general way to feel especially since her hormones are all outta wack, but what the hell.

It's just like the eternity it took for the FDA to approve emergency contraception for over the counter use. There was NOTHING, keeping them from it, everything in science and medicine said it was good to go, but the FDA kept stalling simply because the administration didn't agree with countless numbers of tests and experiments. The FDA is

...responsible for protecting the public health by assuring the safety, efficacy, and security of human and veterinary drugs, biological products, medical devices... and helping the public get the accurate, science-based information they need to use medicines and foods to improve their health.

A former Surgeon General in the Bush administration backs it up:

Yesterday, Richard Carmona told Congress that when he served as Bush’s Surgeon General, he was often muzzled and censored from speaking out on key issues, such as stem cell research and women’s issues. “Anything that doesn’t fit into the political appointees’ ideological, theological, or political agenda is ignored, marginalized, or simply buried,” said Carmona.

Don't speak up on the women! They are to be seen, not heard, and not even heard of!

What would we do in the office without the internet?

Sunday, July 8, 2007

So I'm an adult now

Speaking of bullets, last night A Little to the Right attended a party at a certain venue in the hood. ALTR and her friends got lost along the way (of course, how can one find a random street like “Abundance” without any street signs) and witnessed several likely drug deals going down along the way.

Anyhow, the function was mostly composed of individuals slightly older than ALTR, but was nevertheless part of my quest to become an adult. As my date who is of the almost-thirty variety described me last night, ALTR is in that “fun” stage marked by the transition from college to the working world. But, last night on what I can happily refer to as my first nightly adventure in my new “adult” life, even in the hood, I was easily reminded of why I love this city so much. The crowd at this event was young professionals, but the catering: a taco-truck of Jefferson Parish fame. A Mexican gentleman wearing a “Proud to Be a Republican: Texas GOP” t-shirt (much to ALTR’s delight of course) served me two beef tacos on a Styrofoam plate. Word to those who haven’t sampled the delightful Tex-Mex offerings of these Jeff refugees: you’re missing out. Try the beef.

And speaking of the ghetto, C. Ray is at it again, suggesting that perhaps he’s just a few donations away from declaring his intentions to become the first African-American governor of the Pelican State since Governor Pinchback’s month-long go in 1872.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Perfect Allusion

C'mon, Ray Ray, with the incredibly high murder rate in the city, couldn't you have come up with something better?

"At some point in time you, the citizens of New Orleans, have to say enough is enough," he said. "We've got to get together, and we got to fire our bullets at the right target. Because the division that they see on the news is being used against us, and it hurts us when we negotiate with HUD and we negotiate with the state to get things done."

As for Congressman Jefferson, he is such a smooth operator. Sliding in all un-announced, by himself - people never see him coming. You've got admire that, crookedness and all.

Pull it, pull out

I am a huge advocate of condoms. When the Marine asked me if he could just pull out, I told him that pulling out was a form of birth control right up there with prayer. Until I met Bike Punk and drank way too much too fast...needless to say, a lapse of judgement and a three-hour fuck session ended with the use of only one condom and several loads shot everywhere but in me. Disappointed in myself, life goes on, fetus and disease free. But I always had to wonder, and Jezebel provides us with the answer...

wait, there's something wrong with using pulling out as a method of contraception? Other than, you know, the chance it gets in your eye? To be sure, "coitus interruptus" is not probably the zygote avoidance technique you use on a guy like Nieratko, or most anyone else with tattoos, but we remember getting really paranoid one day about our infertility and Wikipedia explaining to us that we maybe hadn't gotten pregnant yet because there isn't actually viable sperm in "pre-come."

Too bad BP has tattoos. Oops.

I'm a huge advocate of emergency contraception, but this statement sort of rubbed me the wrong way:

Pillhead, a girl, said she'd never ever used the method in her life but that the whole question "turned me on a little bit." (Um, yeah.) "Pulling out is for poor people," said a college student we know who furnished a demographic study to support her view. (Poor people like us!) Apparently in college, condoms are in heavy usage with "Plan B" the go-to plan B. "I love love love LOVE the feeling of having a dude come inside me," said a studious pill-taker who is, um, a little hormonal right now. To which we said, "Is it worth the feeling of a dude's cum inside you?" "Actually," she replied, "my friend has the WORST story about that. Her bf dumped her right after sex, 4 months into the relationship. She remembers walking down the street sobbing, walking away from his apt, and then feeling, you know. That PLOP."

And then she ended with that.

Where do I sign up?

Over at Drudge, there's a story about some pink-pistol, packin' lesbian gangs terrorizing the streets of many metropolitan areas, as reported on the O'Reilly factor - aptly titled The Oh-Really Factor. You gotta hand it those ladies. How did Wheeler put it?

And they — like I said, they recruit these kids to be members of these gangs."

O'Reilly asked, "Now, when they recruit the kids, are they indoctrinating them into homosexuality?"

"Yes," Wheeler answered. "As a matter of fact, some of the kids have actually reported that they were forced into, you know, performing sex acts and doing sex acts with some of these people."

Maybe they should try indoctinating this young lady. She sounds like she really need some guidance and is prone to acting out of the societal norms.

Next came the pink guns. "Now, the other thing, too, that our viewers are going to find very, very interesting, is the fact that they actually carry—some of these groups carry pink pistols," Wheeler said. "They call themselves the pink-pistol-packing group. And these are lesbians that actually carry pistols. That's 9-millimeter Glocks. They use these. They commit crimes, and they cause a lot of hurt to a lot of people."

The bold text is a nice little addendum to Mr. Wheeler's statement. I mean, out of most women, wouldn't a dyke be the most likely candidate to be slinging a 9-millimeter Glock around her waist? Geeeeeez.

Drinking politically

I dunno what it is, but ALTR always punks out so early. I have yet to find a Republican who can drink with me all night.

Friday, July 6, 2007


It all began with Political Drinking Night. Sometimes the there was more drinking than politiking, other times there were politiking than drinking (yeah right). On a Friday afternoon after working their tired but true jobs for "the man" A Little to the Right (hereinafter referred to as ALTR) and A Little to the Left (hereinafter referred to ALTL) decided it was time to blog. Yeah, we're a little behind on the times, but what easier way is there to achieve random internet fame? Especially when it comes to booze, politics, and sex. Yes, sex. So here we are, to entertain not only ourselves with our views on politics (especially in the great state of Louisiana) sex, and the elixir of life.