FEMA: Fake Entertaining Media Announcements

The executive branch is starting their Monday off with a big old "WTF?!" after FEMA holds a press conference on the California wildfires, but forgets to invite the press. What to you do when you forget to invite all the important people to your party? You invite your friends and EMPLOYEES of course! (Or at least that's what my boss does when not enough local celebrities RSVP to his political fundraiser invites.) So some FEMA staffers and probably interns just asked fake questions. Needless to say, Michael Chertoff is ANGRY. [Seattle Times]

"I think it was one of the dumbest and most inappropriate things I've seen since I've been in government," Michael Chertoff said.

Peep the vid from the most scandalous FEMA office party since Michael Brown's emails following Hurricane Katrina:

Why don't you get a job? A Bobby Jindal Job (BJJ)

The Head Pelican is no Wonkette jobs, but ALTR feels it's her Republican duty to inform HP readers about this particular opportunity. Are you tired of your current 9-5? You can submit your resume online to be considered for a job on Jindal's transition team or his administration at LouisianaTransition.com. Tomorrow afternoon at 1 pm the governor-elect will hold a press conference to discuss some more appointments which have been made for certain positions within his administration. Jindal has just recently announced that Timmy Teepell, his chief of staff in his DC office, will fulfill the same position in the governor's office. Joseph Waguespack, a 33 year-old DC lobbyist and former House aide, will take on the position of Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy [WAFB].

This is an exciting time to be living in Louisiana, especially as a young person and ever more so as a Republican. Personally, over the past few months, I had been having doubts about my decision to stay in the city after graduating. If it wasn't for the fact that my father's family lives here and that I still have friends living here, I know I couldn't have stayed in the city. But Bobby's 54% mandate from the people of Louisiana was also a personal mandate for ALTR: the outcome of Saturday's election sealed my decision to remain in New Orleans for at least a few more years to come, and hopefully many more.

Post-primary stunts begin!

The best part about the Louisiana election schedule is that we have two chances to get it right. First the primary, then the general election - giving everyone (both the voters and the politicians) 2 chances to get it right. Eh, didn't vote the first time around? Don't worry, you'll get your chance in November! It's kind of similar to our attitude of "oh, this is just your first DUI?...No worries, my dad's BFF the District Attorney of X Parish will take care of it - just be more careful the next time you drink and drive."

Now it looks like Ag Commissioner Bob Odom - that guy whose name you see on the stickers of the fuel pump when you gas up your car and who is due to go up against Republican challenger Mike Stain in November's general election - may have some trick up his sleave. He has announced a press conference to commence at 2 today. Some suggest he may be withdrawing, but hopefully it will be something more exciting like an election contest or, at the very least, withdrawing while admitting to doing something really really bad like taking a bunch of money from the State or something. Because exciting things like that never happen in Louisiana. [WAFB, The Dead Pelican]

Monday night delight

You can find The Head Pelican Girls tonight at the Ann Coulter speech at McAlister Auditorium, on the campus of our alma mater Tulane University.

Read about it in The Hullabaloo. Doors open at 6:15, the speech is set to begin at 7 pm. This event is free & open to the public. Whether you are an AC lover (ALTR) or AC hater (ALTL + most of Tulane), we hope to see you there!

It's raining .

I wish it was raining money. Or men. Here's a good joke to start off your Monday.

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

this doesn't help my hangover

Bobby Jindal elected governor. But what went wrong down below?

Live from Election Day

Seen: Neil Abramson getting his "Just Neil" on at Jefferson and St. Charles wearing his usual white-shirt-and-khakis uniform. ALTL agrees that he looks like Jack from Will and Grace, limp wrist and all. Is that guy really a 40-something? Before ALTR could get a coveted handshake and complete her starstruck sighting, Neil jumped into the Neilmobile to be escorted to his next intersection engagement. What's the deal, Neil?

Attorney's fleas

Overhead in a CBD law firm: An older partner lecturing a younger associate at his firm on which flea product to use on the younger associates new dog. Apparently there is a "flea infestation" at the young attorney's condo.

Older attorney: "Use Sentinel - it's what I use on *********. If a flea gets on him, if it bites the dog it makes the flea infertile immediately..." followed by a long scientific description on how the medicine actually works.

So apparently the boss has a repressed desire to be a veterinarian or is a scientific genius, yet does not know how to send a fax to save his life.

Walk like a 'mo

It doesn't take much for a single female living in New Orleans to get frustrated with the inordinate amount of terribly good-looking gay men that inhabit the city. Fortunately, ALTR has a very sensitive & accurate gaydar.

But there is hope for those of you out there who aren't 3rd generation fag hags like me. The findings of a new study suggest that you can take the guess-work out of scoping out that hottie you see at the grocery store, the park, or whatever place you may go that is frequented by male members of both teams. Basically, if he walks like he's strolling up St. Ann Street, you might want to reconsider. [MSNBC]

Put me out of my misery

After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Americans were disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday.

The Onion hits the nail on the head - It's Only Tuesday. Friday is just so far away. And this weekend is bound to be insane. Oh boy.

Senate District 5 Forum

About a week late, but ALTL and ALTR attended the Senate District Forum over at the Green Charter Middle School last Tuesday. More established bloggers, the likes of Adrastros and Some Came Running have already posted their reviews. I can't really elaborate, but, again, here are a couple of noteworthy tidbits:

• ALTR couldn't get over the fact that Irma Dixon thinks she invented the internet. Who does she think she is, Al Gore?
  
• Jalila Jefferson-Bullock is a speed talker. I mean, seriously, I had a hard time following most of what she said. But we were all sure to catch her saying she is so glad her child behaved himself.
  
• Dude, Cheryl Gray is hot! And not married. Or at least she doesn't wear a ring. Hmmm.
  
• David Williams is not a career politician.
  

I have to agree with the bloggers above that David Williams stood out and may be the best candidate for the job. However, maybe it's just my 'hood and commute to work, but I don't think that Jalila Jefferson-Bullock is winning the yard sign war. I see David Williams signs everywhere. The election on Saturday could prove interesting, as the votes might be split evenly between Gray and Jefferson, and to a lesser extent Dixon versus Williams. I just don't see a clear win the first time around, making what will probably be a Gray vs. Williams run off an intense and tight race. It's unlikely the Jefferson political machine will prevail. Gray is winning the endorsement battle, with support from the Alliance for Good Government and the much-coveted Times-Pic backing (amongst others). Gray is sharing the Gambit endorsement with Williams, who can also boast LABI, the Republicans of New Orleans (whatever their organization name really is) as well as local Democrat groups.

Saturday night will be an exciting one.

Nighttime newsbowl

• Tide's a wastin': Tide forces Walter Boasso to pull some lame ad - apparently there are no copyright laws in Da Parish. [WAFB]

• Maybe this is why my boss refuses to make me our firm's administrator: Woman Accused of Embezzling Gertler, Gertler, Vincent & Plotkin Law Firm asbestos/ambulance chasing funds.

• Election 2008: Rudy & Mitt are spending like ALTR with a new credit card. [The Huffington Post]

• OMG! Louisiana is the most corrupt state in the Union. [Corporate Crime Reporter]

• Since apparently I have alot in common with strippers, I really appreciated a particular story about a stripper out of Indianapolis who received worker's compensation from a pole-dancing related incident. [WAFB]

I'm a feminist, dammit.

In it's next issue, Newsweek asks Is Now the Right Time for the ERA? In the 1970s and early 80s it was a HUGE FREAKING DEAL, but I have to agree with the article when it suggests that the ERA (renamed the Women's Equality Amandement) is largely symbolic now and will do little to change things. I have to wonder, does that make Phyllis Schlafly satisfied or upset, as she prides herself on defeating the passage of the ERA is 1972. But we do symbolic things all the time, and it still means something.

We're still out there working to better things for women everywhere. Women nowadays are in positions that our feminist predecessors could only dream of. It's not always the hardcore grassroots activism the likes of Gloria Steinem championed (who married Christian Bale's father in 2000, by the way), but we're still around doing things in another way. The 2004 March for Women's Lives saw record numbers flood the capitol. For the first time in history we have a female Speaker of the House. A woman has a viable chance to win the presidency (don't laugh). We still have the right to choose when it comes to reproductive rights. Locally, Women of the Storm formed to help our city and region recover from Hurricane Katrina.

I attended the Feminist Majority Foundation Southern Leadership Conference a couple weeks back. The group was small, given it was for the region encompassing 15 states, but great none the less. Networking, educating, giving men and women alike resources to go out in the world and work towards the greater good of women everywhere.

Of course there are still those out there who hate on the feminists. Feminist.org was recently nominated for several Blogger's Choice Awards and of course there has been a backlash of the get-back-in-the-kitchen-you-are-a-dumb-woman variety. We deal with that everyday. The typical question that ensues if I identify myself as a feminist "Oh. Are you a lesbian?" Does it matter? Little do those ignoramuses know that Feminism and Romance Go Hand and Hand (or other "romantic" activities). However, Schlafly would advise you men to remove yourselves from any relationship you may have with a feminist ASAP.

I'm a feminist, dammit.

Sunday surprise

This Sunday was full of surprises. The Saints won a game, and ALTR got a last-minute invite to the Parkway Partners "Feast With the Stars" Jazz Brunch at Gallier Hall. It's always nice to have connected friends i.e. ALTL to swing a spot at a table amongst various local celebrities that we'll later blog about. It was an excellent way to shed our hangovers from the previous night's festivities in celebration of ALTL's upcoming birthday.

The Head Pelican Girls sucked down mimosas & Bloody Marys, and enjoyed food from amazing restaurants all over town who served samples of various dishes (my favorite was the Leek & Shiitake Champagne Cream Soup from K-Paul's) while bidding on lots of exciting items in the silent auction.

A highlight of the morning was certainly ALTL's bidding war with Mr. Rob Couhig over the one-time use of a "Junkyard Hot Dog Cart" stand for an event. Sadly, neither my co-blogger nor the former mayoral candidate were the winners of the stand. ALTL wasn't quite so disappointed at not winning when she realized that the stand didn't even come staffed with studly young hot dog servers. Another highlight was seeing an elderly New Orleans society woman wearing a Chanel suit that probably costs more than ALTR makes in a year stuff 10+ chocolate chip cookies from the Cafe Reconcile table into her purse.

Among other strange hungover conversations between ALTL and ALTR at the event when we weren't surrounded by various VIPs at our table in the "Releaf New Orleans" room, we each observed Council-At-Large candidates Virginia Boulet and Jackie Clarkson, both in attendance at the event. Yours truly was surprised to find out that Virginia Boulet in fact white. Meanwhile, ALTL revealed that she had no idea Jackie Clarkson was the mother of actress Patricia Clarkson, and also confessed that she thought Jackie Clarkson was not white. And we call ourselves political bloggers! Surprises all around.

Now we're back at work after a fun weekend accompanied by the most beautiful weather the Big Easy has seen in a long time.

God is what?

I am stuck sitting in traffic on St. Charles this evening, seeing the K-Ville trailers at Audubon Park and wondering who will shoot who in the park for the next episode. Some red neck in a beater two cars ahead of me has this huge sticker on his back glass: GOD IS PRO-LIFE. Pro-life, huh? You know, I'm pro-life. And pro-choice. But I highly doubt that God is anti-choice. And if God were pro-life, you're certainly going to hell for killing yourself with those damn cigarettes!

random

In some random, bizarre news...

Inmate freed after test finds powder isn't meth. No, folks, it was dehydrated cat urine, as the woman claimed from day one. wtf is anyone doing with dried cat urine? You can go a million days with that one..

Bobby Brown has a heart attack but then denies it. C'mon, Bobby, we all know your heart was fluttering from the combination of Viagra and crack.

George Gipp returned to the surface. Of win-one-for-the-gipper notoriety, Gipp's remains were exhumed for DNA testing. Nobody knows why. Maybe it wasn't strep throat and a bout with pneumonia that killed him. dun Dun DUN!

The Arkansas legislature feels there is no rush to fix a law that toddlers to get married. By simply forgetting a very important "not" in the text, politicians have now caused a lawsuit or two, since no one wants to actually follow the law.

A Christian clown was arrested on child pornography charges. Let's just point at the key words: Klutzo. Philippines. orphanage. House of Joy. As if the Alabama reverend weren't enough.

"Let me see. Let me feel."

jezebel.com brings us this phenomenal clip from The Alexyss Tylor show.

I'll forewarn you, this may NSFW based upon language and a dildo (which, remember, are illegal in Alamaba...technically, dangerblond reminds us).



I like how she is concerned with happening upon a penis that is too big. And that the dildo in hand 6.5 inches. And black. I've never seen a 6.5" black dick in my life.

Luckily Ms. Tylor exposed what is really going on outside the corner store by my house:

"And the man still ain't committed. Dick still damn open for - folks, standing on the damn corner just like you got them damn ??? can you put a penny in the cup. I work for food or can you give me a donation? Niggas stand on the corner with dey dick in dey hand or got it out the damn pants trying to give new recruits a piece of damn dick cause a lot of times they can't get no dick aaand no bubble gum cause they be fresh out of spearmint and they have juicy fruit. But they keep plenty of damn dick and keep the nuts fueled up and keep them filled up with high octane. They gettin' it up."

It's all about pussy integrity, ladies. Find a dick that likes you.

I guess that's hand-in-hand with bush confidence, which I first learned about watching The L Word. Where I also learned that my self confidence has largely to do with the perfectness of my nipples.

Maes

While doing some essential myspacing the other day, I happened across this humorous, yet sad look at the reality that is Ms. Mae's:



What hooligans would ever set that favorite haunt on fire?

Interesingly enough, the initial news came from my friend who now lives in Boston. What the hell, dude? I guess at 4 in the morning I am stuck paying for over-priced drinks at The Saint, Igor's, or Snakes.

Check out the The Club's blog. [h/t Dr. Morris]

Council-at-Large forum

Yours truly attended the Council at Large forum last Thursday. It seems that most everyone has some sort of commentary on a candidate or candidates. While I think my comments will be worth little note, there are a couple of important things I think were missed:

• Kaare Johnson's biggest contribution to the community: Well just the other day outside of his home on Julia Street a van flipped over and he helped pull the driver from the wreckage as everyone else just watched!
  
• Cynthia Willard-Lewis never looked at the crowd. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling of Nunamker Auditorium during every one of her responses.
  
• Lee Zurik's eyebrows aren't nearly the presence in person as they are on TV. I guess it's that whole the-camera-adds-ten-pounds thing.
  
• Tommie Vassel slept with the entire Sewage and Water Board! And then proceeded to help them de-water the city in under the allotted time projected! Was it his super sperm? We will never know.
  
• Unfortunately, the Appleton I've been sipping is making it difficult for me to locate the article Mama D mentioned about 376 times about herself. Anyone got it?

That's all I got for now. I'm such a cynic, I have a hard time paying attention to the real answers. I'm interested to know a little more about generic Tommy Lewis other than his lineage and family gossip. And I like Virginia Boulet. All four of her ex-husbands and all.

As an aside, why is it that just about anyone or anything is allowed to have a blog but neglect it to the nth degree? Myself may or may not be included. Talk about appeal.

If you missed the first one, the G Bitch Spot has a list of upcoming forums on October 11 and 16 with our favorite gaggle of folks vying for the Council-at-Large seat.

Masterpiece on Causeway Boulevard

While driving to a pre-work dermatologist's appointment this morning, I took the Causeway exit off of the Interstate to get onto Vets. In passing the John Georges for governor campaign headquarters, I glanced at the large billboard crowning the one-story building to see that someone had spray-painted the sign. Damn Metairie thugs.

Upon closer inspection, I realized that this was no ordinary spray-paint job. The culprit had in fact spray painted a Hitler moustache on the picture of Georges which adorned the sign. Due to almost peeing my pants over the sign, ALTR almost had a wreck before making it safely to the doctor's office.

Originally I planned to meet ALTL after work for a Georges-Hitler photo session, but a phone call around 3 pm to the Team Georges headquarters informed me that the sign had been replaced earlier that afternoon. The Head Pelican Girls should make it a priority to always have a camera on-hand for sightings like this one. When I called the Goerges headquarters, a young volunteer informed me that the incident had happened at some point over the weekend and that Team Georges decided the perpetraitor had some serious balls - she had no idea who the culprit had been. Damn - I really wanted her to tell me that Bobby Jindal had done it. Since I wasn't able to capture the true-life glory of this grafitti work, I have recreated it for you here:



For other John Georges humor, please reference the LA GOP's gem Georges Gone Wild - shirtless & shameless!

lawyers are people, too...right?

Why is that when I attended the Justice For All Ball, I don't run into any attorneys that I know other than the ones I work for (although I did meet many of infamy, be it their own standing or based upon who they are married to), but when I am out on the town I run into them everywhere? Howlin' Wolf, Half Moon, Pat Benatar at the HoB, Parasol's, and other various places I stumble into on the weekends and week nights. Maybe it just says something about the character of ALTL or of the caliber of attorneys I deal with on a day-to-day basis.

While I am a little known member of the legal community (albeit more well known than your typical paralegal or legal assistant), I had fun at the Justice For All Ball. I was able to catch up on my New Orleans society gossip (basically who has impregnated who, who has dumped who, and who the old man is with the bad teeth), take advantage of an open bar, and meet the wives of the old white men I work for. If only the lawyers in my age bracket weren't attached at the hip to ladies much younger, hotter, and more pregnant than I.

On another note, Chef Dominique is such a society whore.

The stuff of hookers

Last night, during ALTL's below-mentioned outing at which she was scolded for drinking on antibiotics, the Head Pelican Girls attended the Foo Fighters show at the House of Blues. For the evening's outing, I chose to wear a frayed denim skirt with a teal colored sequined tank similar to this one (click the picture to be linked to thisnext.com, my favorite new site!) This style of tank, which I also own in white and black, is what I wear with jeans or skirts when I don't know what else to wear. These tanks are my all-appropriate New Orleans going out fallback.

En route to the venue from our sweet parking spot at Orleans and Bourbon, we walked past a random strip club where two "ladies" were sitting out front on bar stools, stripper platforms, hot pants, and all appropriate stripper gear included. As we strolled by, minding our own business, one of the ladies calls out "Hey, I have that shirt!" The HP Girls spin around, startled, to find that the lady was referring to me, ALTR. Yes, the conservative one.

I knew it would be beyond rude to simply ignore the comment or to act as if I wanted nothing to do with a woman of such a profession. Recalling politeness tips in the manner of my grandmother who always knows what to say and when to say it, I quickly replied "Oh, don't you just love it?! I have it in black and white too!" The "lady" replies "Yeah, I have it in gold. I wear it all the time." Sounds like someone I know!

What is a single conservative female to do when a lady of the night claims to own/love your favorite shirt? I guess I'll just have to accept that I encountered a stripper with taste as good as mine. And maybe I'll go shopping this weekend.

GAH

You know, the worst part about having a contagious illness isn't that I'm confined to my room. Or that I'm banned from work. Or that no one wants to hang out with me. Or that ALTR lectures me when she finds out I'm drinking. Or that I have to spend money on drugs and doctors.

It's that I'm not getting laid. Fuck.

As an aside, it must really suck to live in Alabama: "...they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand."

Senate District 5 update

The Senate District 5 race is shaping up to be a good one. You don't have the drama of the District 6 race that ALTR loves ohsomuch, but it'll be a close race nonetheless.

Previously I had mysteriously alluded to a lawsuit involving one of our state reps. At the time I didn't know the nature of the suit, but came to find out that Cheryl Gray's residency in the 5th District was being challenged (Gray area, anyone? ha!). The suit was subsequently withdrawn and everyone goes about their happy lives, though everyone knows it was the Jefferson crew who was behind it.

Some Came Running reminded me that there is a forum coming up October 9 featuring the 5th District Senate candidates. His/her source lists the five (Dixon, Jefferson, Gray, Williams and Gressett), but the Neighbors United site fails to mention Gressett as confirmed. Rumor has it he dropped out. Ol' boy didn't even last a month, but we knew he was only there to detract from others.

I've seen more and more Jalila Jefferson-Bullock signs popping up around my 'hood. Interestingly enough, as soon as they appear, they are gone. Are the signs simply being posted in people's yards without their consent? Are people stealing them? If thievery is the gig, then are they being stolen because someone else wants the sign for their own yard or because they are anti-Jefferson? Of the three signs on my block that appeared over night, the one that remains is in front of the most ghetto house of all. It's also on a tiny patch of dirt that no one can see because of the on-street parking.

For fun, see also: African-American turnout will be the Wildcard of 2007

HRC is a real ball breaker!

  

  You know, I always joked that my 

  vagina had teeth, but the  

  description on this sucker was just 

  too much.

  This nutcracker is functional   with stainless steel teeth   secured inside upper legs to grip   and crack nuts in their shell.

  BWAHAHAHA!

Joe Francis in court again!

Up next on the docket for Joe Francis is a lawsuit from two girls alleging that the Girls Gone Wild folks coerced them into exposing themselves, performing sexual acts on one another, and not "really" giving their consent (the girls say they did not give consent, but any consent GGW may have was coerced under the influence of alcohol - you know, the omg-i-was-sofaking-drunk excuse).

Don't get me wrong, I am no Joe Francis supporter. But here you can clearly see these girls giving their full names and their consent for the footage to be used by GGW. HOWEVER...if you can't really consent to sex when under the influence of a mind altering substance, how can you consent to someone using you or your likeness?

Further, as can be read in the lawsuit, GGW assured the girls at a later date that their footage would not be used, yet proceeded to not only put it in a video, but also the trailers on the prequel. And you can't deny they got those girls drunk. Well, maybe, because somebody certainly did and judging by the video on the site, I doubt they were short any drinks from any willing young men.

I hate that girls do this. I really do. But I also hate Joe Francis and the whole GGW machine. What.the.fuck. Society never ceases to amaze me. According to his website he is currently in custody for something or another, perhaps exploiting under age girls. The whole "she told me she was 18" thing is sort of lame. In a business like that, you should really ask for ID. Regardless, he is a cry baby, offers bribes, and is a complete and total sleaze. Gross.

However, I did giggle at this.